How he loves me...

Okay, so here's the deal. In my overhasty zeal to post every day, I neglected to remember that I'm not going to have internet access every day. More like once a week. So. I will be posting once a week. Tuesdays – just one more reason for Tuesdays to be awesome. And instead of bringing you my study for every day, I'm going to sort of pick a central theme for the week – something God has really impressed upon my heart for a particular week, and I'm going to focus on it all week long. I will study and write on it on my breaks/lunches at work, so that way I can bring you the insight of an entire week of study and contemplation rather than just my few minutes in the morning.

Also, just in case you hadn't heard yet, I have applied for the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. (Can I get a Hoo-RAH!) Also in case you haven't heard, I am ridiculously excited to hear back from them. I've been jumping up and down and giddy like a child dizzy on lemonade. Uber-awesome. I'd appreciate it if you, dear reader, would pray for me. Firstly, this is no small endeavor. I (if I get in) will be leaving my home, family, friends, job, and all I have known to move to a foreign land. ('Cause really, how much more foreign does it get than California?) I am starting to save up right now, as much as I can without starving, but I am going to need God's provision big-time – not only to pay for the school, but for me to live while I am there. No way on earth I'm gonna be able to do this without His help, so I'll be able to tell if it was Him or my idea fairly easily... :P

So the thing that really smacked me this week – one of the things, anyway – was a fairly simple concept, but one that is so incredibly profound that I often find myself jabbering mindlessly about because I just can't help it. But yesterday, it struck me in a whole, brand-new sort of way. God loves me. I mean... really. We say it all the time. We say it and repeat it so often that sometimes it just starts to turn into some sort of mindless mantra that we just repeat to try to make ourselves feel better whenever something goes wrong. We sing children's songs. Jesus loves me, this I know. But it smacked me so hard yesterday. In a good way, obviously.

Oftentimes we think we're supposed to keep our attention on God because He has His attention on Him, so we're supposed to be matching that. (Okay fine, not necessarily “we” since I don't know that anybody else ever thinks that. “I.”) I then find it so much harder to keep my gaze on Him, because I sort of get caught up in “well, if I'm paying total attention to Him, and He's paying attention to Him, then who's paying attention to me?” Selfish creature that I am, I have to wonder. That was when He decided to speak to me gently but profoundly. His attention isn't on Him. It's on me. All of it. It may be a little odd to use the word “obsession” on God, because that's normally associated with mental disorders. But I'm going to brave the social stigma and use it. God is obsessed with me. He can't take His eyes off me. I think it is somewhere in Job that says, “where can I go to hide from God's presence? Will the darkness hide me from his gaze?” He strains His eyes looking for me! And even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it, his ear is tuned, just waiting for me to breathe the slightest whisper of His name.

So. This is what I get from it. If God's focus is on me, and my focus is on me... then who is paying attention to God? I mean... God has feelings. And I know that if that was the case with me, I would feel so lonely and ignored... I think so much of the time I'm focused on me, I forget God. It's not necessarily that I “shouldn't” focus on me, but more that I don't have any need to. God's covering my back, and in the process, leaving His own heart exposed when I'm not there to meet it. I never really understood before why people would use the phrase “ministering to the heart of God.” I can't believe it's taken me this long to understand that He built us to need to be loved because that's what He needs, too.

It's hard to think about the fact that the things I don't do hurting God's feelings as much as the things I do that are wrong. Even so much as keeping my attention on me just because I'm afraid I'll get ignored otherwise. King David put it quite nicely, I think. “I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.” Ps. 73:22. In Anna language: “I didn't think, and therefore I was a jerk.” Perhaps King David's version was a little more poetic. I'll let you decide. Anyway. The point being that I'm tired of being a jerk to God. Realizing this just added a whole other dynamic layer to the relationship and pulled my King a little more out of dusty pages. I love it when He breathes new life into an old idea. God loves me. What a concept.

More to come!
Love,
Anna Grace