Peace like a river.

It really feels like the theme for this weekend has been peace. Right now I feel like I'm floating in a river of peace. Waves of stillness and calm washing over me. And before you get too wrapped up in the why of it, let me tell you the story of this weekend.

Firstly, the previous week was not really that happy. We had to tell our testimonies, and for those of you who know mine, you know it's not something I like to do. Makes me feel all raw and brings up ickies. So I was dealing with those ickies, and then on Friday, I got smacked down with missing ChaCha (Joe) so I was fighting that all day. Saturday morning was really when it all blew up. I discovered via a frantic Facebook message that a close friend had gone missing Thursday evening. I don't know if you've ever had a friend disappear, but let me tell you that there isn't much that will take your mind off it. Or stop it from wandering to all those things that could have happened. And I couldn't stop thinking about his family or feeling their heartbreak. I don't think I've ever prayed quite so unceasingly or desperately.

Sunday morning I didn't want to go to church. I didn't feel like surrounding myself with cheery people. Love them, but being around cheery people when you are heartbroken is like salt in a wound. Furthermore, trying to really enter into worship and lose yourself in it doesn't totally work when your mind and heart are all wrapped up in pain. I was in the midst of trying to wrestle myself into a worshipful state of mind (haha.) when God decided it was time to have a little chat with me. It went sort of like this:

"Are you ready to let go of this yet?"
"No."
"You know part of me is mystery. This is a mystery I want you to embrace. Trust me on this."
(From here I was trying to remind myself that God is a good guy...) "But I need to know where he is, know that he's safe."
"Is he YOUR responsibility or mine? You really want that weight? Can you help him?"
"Oh. Yeah. I guess that's right."

There were another few moments of wrestling with myself, and I decided to let it all go. Believe that God is good like He says He is, believe that He cared about Vince and his family even more than I do, and that it's all in His hand. And I decided to let him take care of it instead of trying to take it all on myself. At that instant, waves of peace began to roll over me. To lift me up and carry me away. And just like that, worship was over.

When Marty got up and announced that he was going to talk about peace, I almost laughed. "You're a little late on the bandwagon, buddy," I thought to myself. Peace prevailed for that whole afternoon. My focus shifted. Instead of praying for Vince's safety, I prayed instead for his family's peace and that Vince would choose to go home. I knew he was safe.

(Note to the reader: It looks like a happy ending here, but the story isn't over.)

Later that evening I was in the car with some other girls, driving to our evening church service in Arcata. That was when I received a text message with the news that the home church I attended back in Cedar City was no more. My peace fled from me and everything that I'd thought I had dealt with buried me like an avalanche. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

I got to church, and sure enough, there are all those cheery people again. I made it through the prayer meeting before church somehow. Holy Spirit was there having fun with people, but I felt like the island in the river, surrounded by all the goodness, but not part of the flow. So this time I initiated the conversation with God.

"Okay, God. I see you're here. I see you on all these other folks, but where are you for me? Where do I need to be to find you?"
"I'm in peace."
"Yeah. That's funny. I tried that earlier, if you remember correctly."
"Yeah, I know. You jumped out. I didn't. I'm still here."
"I can't do that right now. I just can't. You have to come get me and pull me to where you are."
"How about you come to me this time?"
(Trying not to be frustrated at God...)(grumblegrumble)"I don't wanna..."
(Here I imagine God raising an eyebrow at me.)
"Okay, fine. You're good and got it all under control and all that jazz. Are we good?"

Apparently, we were good. My peace returned hardcore and worship was incredible after that. There wasn't anyone near me that I knew well enough to be okay tagging them with a glory ball, or I would have, I was so full of Jesus juice!

Anyway, the rest of the story is happy ending. My peace stayed put. And having a little practice finding it on purpose, peace is mine and I don't have to even ask for it anymore. I know where it lives.

Oh, the other happy ending - My friend was found safe and sound and he will be coming home. See? God's got it good.

Peace out, my friends!
--Anna Grace